Today I ate a cupcake
While visiting Texas, my dad, the kids and I went to a local cupcake shop. This particular cupcake shop happens to share a wall with my husband’s favorite BBQ joint. Of course, I knew of this cupcake shop, as I’d frequent this location while my hubby was grabbing brisket and baked beans. This was my happy place. A place that I felt so at home in.
When we pulled into the parking lot, I could see the familiar pink sign. The smell of BBQ was in the air and almost immediately, the emotions and memories quickly reappeared. My older three kids knew exactly where we were and almost squealed when we parked. While they unbuckled, I took my baby inside. The sweet treats were beautifully stacked along the cases, perfectly displayed as I so fondly remember. I walked up and down the line until my kiddos ran inside.
The sugar addicts hit that front door so quickly, I’m not sure that the ladies behind the case knew what to do. It was like those little people had never seen cupcakes before. The “ooohs” and “ahhhs” were that of a Fourth of July celebration. They were told by their grandpa that they’d get to pick out 24 cupcakes. Any flavor. My heart sank because I knew what that meant. Not only were they getting cupcakes, I was getting 24 opportunities to fail. 24 ways to set myself back three months. 24 sweet little creations between me and my goals.
It felt like we were there for hours. Though I didn’t feel tormented, I did feel as though I was not in control of my cravings. Everything looked so good; exactly as I remembered! When it was time to pay, my kids begged to get a table so they could try a few of their sweet treats from grandpa. Of course, in a moment of weakness, I agreed. I sat back and watched them cut into a few of those delicious looking cupcakes. My youngest boy couldn’t wait to try the cupcake I had been eyeballing, the dirt cake with a gummy worm. Dirt cake is my favorite and has always reminded me of my Aunt Chell. It’s definitely something I’d never pass up in my “previous life.”
After toying with the idea of just having only ONE cupcake, I made a quick, un-calculated decision to just try the dang thing. I got a fork and cut that cute little pile o’ dirt into thirds. I said a prayer and popped a bit in my mouth. I had such high expectations for my indulgence. I was sure it would take me back to, what I thought was, my happy place. All of the other sights and smells of this sweet shop summoned up so many memories, how could the taste not?
With my eyes closed, I slowly chewed that cupcake. I used all of my senses to really enjoy my cheat. As my tongue realized what was running across it, my insides started doing cartwheels. I could feel the bubble guts brewing. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I was eating the best cupcakes in town and all I could think of was, “where’s the nearest trash can? And toilet?” It was the strangest situation. That cupcake was gross like eating nothing but chocolatey sugar. All I wanted was some water to wash it down in order to clear my palate. I still can’t believe it! My body was almost instantaneously trying to purge the sugar from its salty depths. And quickly!
Today I ate a cupcake. At first, I thought of it as a big failure that I wasn’t sure I’d be able to dig myself out of. I was sure that it was the beginning of the end and I would soon be in a downward spiral back to 255lbs. Today, I ate a cupcake, but I found victory in a moment of defeat. In a moment of pure weakness, I realized that I’ve won. I am no longer in NEED of sweets. My brain is in repair. While I still get the cravings, I now know that I won’t actually enjoy those sweets anymore. At least the cupcake kind. And I’m totally ok with this. I’m totally ok with knowing that cupcakes aren’t everything like I thought they were.
Today I ate a cupcake, and I hated it.